What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room