Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

This could be us but you eatin’

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.