What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
me before I type out affect or effect
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Hmm 🧐
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.