What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
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This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
broke down and did it
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun