What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
You Might Also Like
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Just as the prophecy foretold
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.