Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Me: Isn’t it fun?

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.