What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
You Might Also Like
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Lol
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.