What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
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message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
more water
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me logging onto twitter
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.