Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.