What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.