@meganamram

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

- @meganamram

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@OctopusCaveman

My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

@stanleybehrman

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

@aka_fatman

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

@Darlainky

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

@MattPostSaysHi

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

@KalvinMacleod

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

@Shade510

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.