What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
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me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
