Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.