what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
So glad we cleared that up
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Canadian owl: Eh?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?