What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
You Might Also Like
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Sorted
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.