What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.