What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
are there any atheist mantises?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.