what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My dog ate my work from home.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.