what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.