what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes