Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.