what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
i love modern commerce
