what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.