what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
