what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”