Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.