What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..