What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda