What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?

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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.


Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it


My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.


Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.


learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar


ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous


“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*


Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda


If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.