@samknight1

What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?

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@nocturnallyme

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

@OneSockFox

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

@prufrockluvsong

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

@ArfMeasures

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

@wankcity

“more like president PAJAMA” *obama jumps into pj’s, congress full of 12 year olds is pleased*

@notacroc

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

@KevinFarzad

If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.