@samknight1

What if global warming *is* a hoax and we clean up our air and oceans, create millions of jobs, and become energy independent for nothing?

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@melpraktis

When people say “You look so familiar” responding with “Were we in prison together?” is almost always a conversation killer.

@DaveOshry

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

@Adar79Angie

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

@Ms_WhateverV

Kids wont go to sleep so I’m playing hide&seek. And now they’ll never find me, because they aren’t old enough to drive or get into this bar.

@momTruthBomb

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

@farleftcoast

Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.

@PrestoVision

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually