Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.