Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

this is what they would have looked like, though

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.