Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet