What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Nothing to do, you say?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I am HOWLING at this
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.