What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
become ungovernable
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.