What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
You Might Also Like
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”