What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

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publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world

jk rowling: hermione

publisher: ok

jk rowling: albus dumbledore

publisher: ok i get it i was wrong

jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao

publisher: what


I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”


*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*


I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.


there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick


GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE


A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.


Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.