@randypaint
publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world
jk rowling: hermione
publisher: ok
jk rowling: albus dumbledore
publisher: ok i get it i was wrong
jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao
publisher: what
@thatcarlygirl
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
You Might Also Like
@randypaint
@Morgan2383Mo
“We are out of oranges” he said, fruitlessly.
@theoduscrane
I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, “I’m a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out.”
@dave_cactus
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
@_eric_alexander
I’m gonna start carrying breath mints around in an engagement ring box just to briefly make women really uncomfortable during conversation.
@tomwalkerisgood
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
@SirEviscerate
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
@VerifiedDrunk
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
@_youhadonejob1
Real should get that sign fixed.
@LoveNLunchmeat
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.