A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?
*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.
Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’
Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’
Grandad: ‘Half past three.’
The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet
Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.