What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
You Might Also Like
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).