What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My favorite farside!!
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
How actors in movies eat their food