Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

life finds a way

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.