Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Shhh!
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-Librarians arguing

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions