Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

buying dead houseplants to save time

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

💀💀

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

welp

Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.