Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.