what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
You Might Also Like
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Never forget.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.