what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
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True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I have a black belt in leather
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.