What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
You Might Also Like
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”