What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
When you’re Kinky but poor
