What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Never mess with a drunken pig.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.