Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

umm…

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.