What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
We found love in a hopeless place.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*