What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.