what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back