what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
My time has come.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.