What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”