Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?

me: flattery

interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?

me: that smile

interviewer: 😳

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

Who knew!

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out