what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
You Might Also Like
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”