Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.