Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

The point of your 20s

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick