Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Proctology is located in A55

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.