“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
secret recipe
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead