what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
As per my last nervous breakdown
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
can’t talk my ride’s here
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
