what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
You Might Also Like
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The Onion called it…again.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.