what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
i wish all
whales
a very
big
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.