What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
You Might Also Like
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I am HOWLING at this
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Saturday
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.