What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
You Might Also Like
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My work here is done
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
