What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads