What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
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Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
I’m too immature for adultery.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
selfie game
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Story of my life…..
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered