Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.