What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
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When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Mornin. * use accordingly
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long