What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
#Caturday
