Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Batman v Dracula

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

No.

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.