What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
You Might Also Like
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
sry
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?