What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Only you can prevent podcasts
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks