What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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When you’re Kinky but poor
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Well well well…
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.