What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.