What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?