What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

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Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.


[last day as head juror]

judge: how do you find the defendant

me: guilty

judge: and the full sentence?

me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty


The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.


Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m


Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.


Frosted Mini Wheats. For when you’re craving hay with sugar on top.


My girlfriend is like my bike.

Some black guy stole her from me too.


[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?


Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.


I bought my nephew a drum set because:

A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister