What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I bet birds love this building.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl