@NikkiGlaser

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

@JizzIam

I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.

@hipstermermaid

I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

@MartaEffing

Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.

@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?

@Robert_Beau

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

@LionJenkins

I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.

@LOsepyan

When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.

@JimSterling

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.