The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.
I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.
You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.
Are you raising an army for Mordor?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.